Yay for Science!

Yay for Science!

So, My last blog post was quite some time ago, about my first miscarriage. I suspect since then, I’ve had 2 more, but for sure one. It’s been what a religious person might refer to as hell. I refer to it as hell. Habits die hard. But guess what?! We’re moving forward. Have you ever seen this video? Well I'm the husband. My husband is a VERY good listener when someone is in a crisis mode. He’s so patient. But, he’s not very good in a crisis himself. Problem solving is my thing. Anyway, my point is, I feel really good about a problem, if I’m on a path to solve it, and right now, my problem is… for the past year, we’ve been trying to have a baby, to no avail. SO.. I spoke to my family doctor, who very kindly asked if we were to ever be successful, if he could deliver. And I told him, if you help me get there, i’d be happy to give him the honors and trust him… and he’s trying! So, we began Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman's uterus to facilitate fertilization. It’s gross, and weird, but we gotta do what we gotta do right? Anyway, that’s what we’ve been doing lately. Figuring out how to cost effectively boost our chances, and so I feel as if I'm moving forward, and I'm excited for this to work. Science is awesome. I just did number 1 yesterday, and with the way women’s bodies work, I will probably do about 1 time a month until I’m successful in getting pregnant. But, I’m really hoping this works! It’ll be so great to finally have that baby! Craig and I have been on different wavelengths with being pregnant. He’s ok if it doesn’t happen, figures we’ll adopt and/or foster and he also would be happy to have a baby. I think after I miscarried he kinda just didn’t want his hopes up, so he’s pulled back a little bit to protect himself. Which is totally fair. I went into overdrive. Researching what the poor guy can do to his attire to up his sperm count and eating straight cucumber and bananas and salty foods after I ovulate. He’s all game. If it’s within his power, he’ll do it to help me, and be supportive, and I couldn’t have asked for a better husband that way. Man, he’s so great. Moving on from gushing about my husband and I'll move on to updating about the rest of my life for those of you who don’t follow closely on FB or IG for whatever reason.

Xander’s in school. It took a long time, but he is. At first, I took him to school for 2 days. We tried it out, before fall. It was a summer session. I thought, ok he’ll go before real school starts, he’ll get some credits in, and less kiddos will be there, and the teachers will be more on top of disinfecting and preparing for new kiddos, etc. Well, after day 2, Xander told me, less and less kiddos wear their masks each day. And, this particular school, is a charter, which means they have a little more leeway in decisions concerning their Covid Rules, etc however still abiding by the Health Departments rules for the county. Well, They (his school) sent out a form to be filled out and it was a waiver for kiddos to not wear masks due to medical reasons. The waiver didn't ask for any medical information, or give any advice, or provide any ideals as to what would be a medical reason for not wearing a mask. Well, that resulted in quite a few waivers being filled out, and with parent’s not having to provide a reason and this being a red state, we have a lot of parents crying that wearing a mask affects their freedom via symbolism therefore spreading germs/covid not understanding that science is real...insert eye roll here. So… i pulled him, thinking by the end of the week, people won’t be wearing masks at all. Well, when we never quite got in the groove… even after two weeks, and started fighting more and more to do school work, I realized… this is the most challenging time so far for me to be a parent. Realizing, that school is just not meant to be at home. I really love my son, and if he wears a mask, and doesn’t touch anyone, essentially he should be safe. So, when the school offered a Field trip class, for 2 weeks, I signed Xander up to return. Going on a field trip every day for 2 weeks, sounds so great for a kid. I couldn’t pass up that opportunity. He has been having such a blast.. Until a couple days ago. He came home, with some bruises, and scratches, and I was furious! Xander has become quite the introvert during this covid business. So, him coming home from what I wanted to be a good experience, with marks from a peer, really upset me. Probably more so than him! I immediately contacted the teacher, and gave him the name of the student he told me it was. He lied. Turns out it was a girl, and that’s why he didn’t defend himself. He didn’t want to hurt her. While i’m so sad that he came home from a field trip with marks from a girl, I’m so proud he made the choice to not hurt someone despite what they were capable of. BUT.. he was a champion, and returned the next day, and the teacher and principal made sure that student wasn’t allowed in the field trip class anymore. Anyway, he seems to be enjoying it despite that hiccup, and so, when he’s done with it, he’ll return to class like normal, however with a mask unlike so many other children, and either bathing or washing his hands like crazy when he gets home, and our relationship seems to be mending! School from home is hard. And, even though I want to protect him and my family from this Covid mess, I also want his mental health to improve and our relationship to be good.

Craig’s brother Josh moved in, and both of them have been working from home. There’s always someone there, and Xander gets too used to adults, and I get so lonely being the only girl… here’s hoping for a girl when I do get pregnant.

Pretty sure I’m running out of things to talk about, so I’ll end here. Thanks for holding on guys! I miss you all probably, and I’ve been getting super lax about hanging out and stuff… so… HMU. I wanna come hold your babies until I have my own!!

Afterlife of a miscarriage.

Let me just cut to the chase… we’ve been trying for a child. There are so many pros to babies, and so very little cons. And, ugh they’re just so amazing, and Xander is my favorite person, and the love I hold for him, is unmatchable. I want another. Craig wants a baby as well. For a lot of the same reasons, and for another one that seemed very mormony to say ... to multiply and replenish. We’ve not been trying very long...however it feels like ages. So, suffice it to say, when I finally got a (few) pregnancy sticks to finally say “YES” I was ecstatic. I was crying and recording myself, because I knew I wanted to keep it a secret from Craig. Because I wanted to surprise him. It was 8 days until his birthday and I wanted to wait til then, but I am one of those people who struggle to keep happy secrets. I want to tell anyone and everyone their presents long before the holiday required to bequeath such a gift. I knew I couldn’t last long. 24 hours later, I went and put together a gift and wrote a meaningful card expressing my excitement for him becoming a father, and for our family to be growing, and I presented him with the gift. A book, Dude You’re Going to be a Dad. I was hoping for any sign of happiness from the news. Obviously, with trying we both knew it’d be a happy thing, but for me to finally tell him, it still felt like a surprise. Anyway, I told him, and he was excited! It was cute… he started reading the book and researching things right away. That’s how he shows his excitement. If we get a new electronic, he’s reading the manual making sure he knows every little thing. Research.

That happiness didn’t last. Well, that excitement lasted for about 48 hours. 36 hours after I told him,I started to get cramps. 2 nights later, I started to bleed. That night, I took a test to see if it was just a fluke, and I got a very faded, 2 lines showing pregnant. The next day, it was a “NO”. The bleeding increased, the cramps stayed, and I bled for days. A heavy flow with a few clots here and there. I know, this is a lot of information, but I find it important for me to process everything. It sucks, it’s gross, but it’s very real. As soon as I got that “NO” my heart shattered. I started crying, and knew it wasn’t just a period that sometimes happens in early pregnancy, but a miscarriage. We had 2 days, me 3, of pure excitement, and then all of a sudden, it was torn away from us. With no real explanation. “Chemical Miscarriage”. Craig didn’t understand at first. I was crying, saying I was bleeding, and he didn’t get it. I didn't know he didn’t get it until 12 hours after I had started to miscarry, that I muttered the word, miscarriage. And he questioned me.. “Are you sure?” I instantly got furious, and asked, “Are you asking me if I’m making this up?” He quietly said no, he just didn’t understand. I stepped back, and said, “I’m glad you’re making sure you comprehend, I’m sorry. Thank you for clarifying.” My hormones were clearly already in a frenzied state.

I quickly texted my boss, asked for time off, and resumed crying. I cried and stayed in bed for a good 2 days. That’s a long time for me. I usually love leaving my house at least once a day, or talking to people, or going to work etc.. but this I didn’t want to see anyone. My body crashed, and I had a hard time moving physically. It exhausted me more than a normal period. It was horrible. By day 3 I was able to move and I even was able to leave the house for a little bit, I couldn’t do much more than that, Craig had to drive, and all I could do was be as inactive as possible… but I was able to leave. When I returned home, I was exhausted. I didn’t even do much. I was pretty pathetic and sad about it. Day 4 I was able to run an errand. I went to walmart, to grab some medicine and a sword Xander had been asking for. Up until this point, I was able to keep this information from Xander.. But right on this walmart trip, in the car, we started discussing it. He had asked me why he had been asked to do so much for me lately, and I explained so he didn’t think I was just being lazy. I felt bad. I had to rely on Craig and Xander so much to get me drinks, or food, or tissue, or whatever I could ask them to do before using the very little energy I had to do it myself. It’s interesting, I think I always knew these kinds of things would be hard physically…but this cemented that idea. Emotionally, at first I was sad. Then I jumped to anger, and back to sad. There was one moment where I went and bought more pregnancy tests, as I had used them all up, and went through 3 of them, and they all confirmed the loss of baby, which was my denial stage, but my loss, was very real to me.

Enough about that, and more about this. This loss for us, was different. We both dealt with the emotions in very different ways. Craig being more reserved and quiet… and me being very very sad and angry. At one point, Craig tried to talk to me about the afterlife,and this is were my atheism and his Mormonism come into conflict. He started to say that in the afterlife, he’d be reunited with baby, and that he believes I will as well, and that we will all be a family. Well, I shut him off very quickly. I knew his line of thinking, and didn’t want to discuss it. I knew he thought we’d see baby again, and I knew I didn’t think I’d ever get that chance. I didn’t even know if I wanted to. Wouldn’t that break me all over again? What if this loss was my fault somehow? Why would I want to meet the baby I failed? This line of thinking was not going to help me feel better. BUT, it did him. And for that I am grateful. Somehow he was able to find comfort in that, and prayed. I, recovered physically, stopped my massive bleeding, and was able to heal. But I'm still sad, and angry. I had something I was so happy for, something we’d been trying for for so long, and then got it, for a mere 3 days, for it to just end, and reverse itself so quickly. I am devastated. Talking to Xander was so hard. He just was curious, and empathetic.. But more interested in the scientific side of this. I was more emotional. And answering those questions, over and over again, and to the doctor, it tore me apart. I asked the doctor to quickly put me on some fertility drug so I could not fail again, and he told me to try a fertility doctor. I was so mad. I just went through an entire questioning session for nothing? Why did I have to do that? Why should I pay 2 doctors for this crap? I was so discouraged, I stopped functioning for another 2 days, and I started to take it out on my husband. Just by being annoyed by every little thing, or by being sensitive randomly. My hormones are still honestly evening out, and it’s been 10 days. Right now I’m in plannning mode. I want being pregnant to happen again, but I’m terrified it’ll end in another miscarriage. I want a guarantee. It’s so hard to not believe in the afterlife for this. I want to say sorry to baby. I want to hold it. I want to love it. I feel so bad my body rejected it so quickly. But, i’m so very grateful my body took care of it quickly. I hope something was wrong, and it was fixing it so I didn’t have to go through a very different heartache, and not that I did something wrong.

I am hopeful. I hope it’ll happen again, and soon. I’m very scared of miscarrying. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I really hope that the stats are true and that it’s not very common to continue to miscarry, and that women are able to go on and have a healthy pregnancy after a misscarriage. I am hopeful that Craig can meet baby, and apologize for me. But, I don’t think I will get that opportunity. I don’t know if I could handle it. The afterlife doesn’t sound ok to me. I really think that when we die.. Nothing happens. Our body stops working.. But that we don’t spiritually have anything happen. I think that’s it. This is our life. We live here, and this is the one chance we get. Craig thinks there are kingdoms to be placed into, with your family. I guess we’ll see.

In a manner of speaking...

So, today I was thinking about how different Craig and I are at sporting events. He’s very kind, and supportive. I on the other hand, yell, criticize, and get very loud. One of the things that he will say, “Good job guys, you’ll get it next time!”. One of the things I will say, “Goddamnit what the hell is wrong with you?” Then Craig will reply with, “It’s gonna be ok, they messed up, they’ll fix it.” I’ll retort with something cynical of course.

His language is very interesting puerile. I say “crap” and “shit”. And he says “poop”. He says “bless me” if he drops something or scares himself, or “bless you” if I do the same. He says “bootay” and I say “ass” or “booty”. My language is a different kind of puerile.

Xander thinks it’s funny that Craig won’t cuss, and begs him to try it sometimes.

I’ve touched this topic a little bit before, explaining the difference with words that could be perceived as religious. However, why are members of the LDS church taught that cussing is bad? Why is it bad at all? Like? It’s not just the lds religion that teaches that… why are lots of people brought up with those words being considered bad? Why do we give those words, that kind of power? And, on the flip side… it’s super weird to have a husband that says words that my 8 yr old has grown out of. I tell him he sounds stupid… and he spells it out because s.t.u.p.i.d is a bad word to him.

Anyway, this isn’t a very long post but it’s been a while since I’ve posted so I figured I would ease back into it. Have a good night everyone!

Planning a life can be interesting.

So Back when Craig and I announced our engagement, some family and friends were confused. How can you split our family up? How can someone with such a huge difference be someone you can spend your whole life with? The biggest one I got was, what if you guys have kids? Will you be able to raise them as a team or will it be a struggle? As I thought about the major challenges, and conversed with Craig about some of them, I figured... we don't even know if that's something we want to do, have more children.

I remember back when I had Xander, someone immediately told me that I needed to have more.. And, this was literally a passerby who asked to see my newborn in a grocery store. Some older woman... told me what I needed to do, asked me when my next one was going to come (when X was 2 weeks old) and when I responded with OH I'm not sure if I'd have more, she replied with, oh but that's what women are supposed to do you know? Replenish the earth with babies, I mean that's what God wants. I actually told her, oh I don't actually believe that, we're overpopulated. Didn't even tell her anything else, and walked away. I was flabbergasted that this woman, would be so willing to assume others in her world had the same beliefs. I was immediately angry, and then that faded away. That really is what she knows. She probably doesn't know anyone that doesn't believe close to what she does, so approaching someone in a store, and hearing differently.. I wonder if that scared or confused her. While I always invite questioning, and talking and discussing.. something in the back of my head worries me. I don't want to influence anyone if they believe what they do, and that makes them happy. If I take that away because I talk too much, it just would make me feel so bad.

Anyway, I asked Craig about a few things, and he responded a lot more liberally than I thought. I mean, his reasoning for having children, seemed super LDS-y. To literally spread his DNA, and or to make sure his line of family continues, replenish our overpopulated earth...etc etc. BUT, when it comes to how raising woulld come into play... our views don't seem that different. We want our Xander to be happy, healthy... science comes before beliefs in the medical field.. etc etc. And then, blessing. I've never blessed X. When he was born, I was Christian. My beliefs changed a few years later I believe. But, I was very against the LDS church. When I looked into a blessing... I came to the realization that it was a little too close to a baptism for my taste. I didn't want him baptized. I wanted him to grow up Non-denom, and choose later with as much knowledge as possible what he thought was appropriate for him. I've always thought baby baptisms/blessings are a little scary. Making such a huge decision when their brains aren't developed is freaky to me. Anyway, Craig and I agree that waiting would be more appropriate. Even at 8 getting baptized and choosing to be a Member of a church for the rest of your entire life, is a little scary. It's something we seem to agree on right now. In fact, Craig has been very good at following my lead on parenting. Of course, he and X are so super close, and they love playing with each other. Craig seems to get along with kiddos more so than adults. It's easy for him to not feel judged and have less anxiety around little ones. I get that. That's me with kitties and puppies.

We interviewed a few days ago to become Emergency respite house parents, so we can help local kiddos in the county with emergency respite when they go through a certain program. We're to be on call, but omg I love the idea of helping people when we don't have kiddos and not keeping them permanently. Learning about other kids that aren't ours, will help expand our knowledge and I love that. I love learning about behaviors. It's crazy.

Anyway, before marriage... whether you had cultural differences, or religious differences, or anything.. what was your biggest worry, or that those around you had for you?